So wow. Two weeks from today I'll be....well, I'm not really sure where I'll be but it will be somewhere between here and Sierra Leone. It's coming fast. Really fast.
In my attempts to get everything done, I've been staying up late, long after everyone else is in bed. Although I'm definitely more of a morning person, after years of working night shifts, I'm used to wandering through the empty house at night. I'm used to the quiet. I actually kind of like it....you can get some good thinkin' done during those times.
Several nights ago I was doing just that.....thinkin' hard after everyone had gone to bed. And I had a meltdown. Total. Complete. Meltdown. "I can't do this! I can't leave! There's no way! What was I thinking? I'm going to be killed in my bed....have my fingernails ripped off (a fear I've had since middle school. Weird, I know). Is it too late to stop this? What will happen if I call the whole thing off? I can't do it. It's too much. I'll miss too much!" (Note: Let it be known that due to my recent night shifts I had slept for just a couple of hours in the last few days, so I knew I wasn't thinking rationally at the time). Anyway....I digress.
Want to know what started this breakdown? I can pinpoint the exact thing. Earlier in the day my sister mentioned that she was going to miss texting me. Texting! That's what started this! And our texts are ridiculous! I think the last one she sent me said something poetic like "bite me."
During my tirade I actually said, "Lord, why did you have to give me such a great family? It would be so much easier to leave if I had a family that I couldn't stand!" (See, I told you I wasn't thinking clearly.) And on that note, I finally fell asleep.
Well, after 13 hours of sleep, the world looks a lot brighter! The next morning I was feeling MUCH better and was much less concerned about my fingernails being ripped out. But some of the questions remained. Can I really leave do this? I mean really? I've been waiting for this for so long, but now it's here. Now it's time. It's not just in my fantasies anymore, but it's becoming a reality.
And I felt like I just had one question to answer. Do I really believe what I say I do? Do I believe that Jesus is who He says He is? Do I believe that He will do what He's said He'll do? (Ok, I guess that's more than one question...but you catch my drift). If so, than the answer to my questions is...yes. I can do what He's calling me to do, because of who He is.
I love that. Love it love it love it love it love it. Yes! I do believe that! I do! So I'll go! Ican go! Because Jesus is so incredible and has changed my life so incredibly, I'll go. And I'm excited. Today I was looking through pictures of Sierra Leone and was so excited I could hardly stand it!
I'll miss my friends and family terribly. It's true. I'm not naive about that. But I am also so sure that this is where God's leading me that there's no way I could stay here. So I'll go.
(Sorry this was kind of a heavy post, but I decided to let you see the good, the bad, the ugly and the ridiculous.) Knowing what my family thinks about my street smarts (or lack thereof), I'm sure there will be a lot of the ridiculous to follow.......