Kids are the same......

Well, it’s been over week since we’ve been back…….home?  I don’t even know anymore. We’re back to where most of our junk is. J  We jumped right in.  The day after we got here, we took a break from cleaning up the rat poop that seemed to invade every corner of our house and went to see the girl kiddos we’ve been working with.  We chatted with them for awhile and they ooooh’d and ahhh’d over Ben.  As we were getting ready to leave, one of the Auntie’s brought a 9 year old girl…..we’ll call her “Aminata” over to me.  They said she that her “belly hurt.”

The complaint of a “belly hurting” is probably one of the most common complaints I get when working with 50 little kids.  It is usually vague, non-specific and sounds suspiciously like what my sister would say when trying to get out of going to Kindergarten. (Sorry Lis, called out on the World Wide Web). 

But this was different.  This girl had tears coming down her cheeks as she walked towards me.  I asked how long this had been going on, asked about other symptoms, and did an exam.  All the little tests I did in school for appendicitis seemed to be positive.  They told me that she’d been sick for a couple of days so I didn’t want to sit on it and decided to take her to the hospital right away.  We’re very fortunate that to have a new emergency outpost near our house so I took her there.  They did an exam, gave her some pain medicine and called their supervisor.  After some discussion, they decided to let her sleep overnight (treat her for the malaria that of course she had as well) and the next morning she would go with Nicole to Freetown to the bigger hospital where they would do a more thorough exam, blood work, etc.

The next day she and Nicole went to the capital and spent the day at the hospital.  They couldn’t find anything definitive and thought it might be because she had received some pain medicine.  She was vomiting and dry heaving most of the way to Freetown but by the time the doctor saw her, she was looking better. They sent her home and said we should bring her right back if she started having the pain again. 

Then next day, Friday, I went to check on her and she looked much better. She wasn’t doubled over in pain and wasn’t in bed.  Great! Maybe it was just a virus or something.  However, the next night I got a call that she was vomiting again and was crying in pain.  I went back to see her and she looked like she had the first night I saw her.  My initial thought was that maybe her appendix had ruptured which was why she felt better the day before but was now developing some peritonitis.  It was Saturday night. I knew that if I took her back to the hospital in Freetown, unless she was in danger of dying THAT NIGHT, they would sit on her and wait for someone to see her in the morning. 

I decided that I’d take her back to my house so I could watch her closely overnight.  Marie was thrilled to have a “buddy” to sleep with her that night. (One of her biggest nighttime complaints is that it’s not fair that both Daddy and I have a “buddy” to sleep with and she’s all alone in her room.)  Aminata spent the night and the next morning…..looked better!! She wasn’t in obvious pain anymore, although her belly was still tender in that right lower quadrant.  I hemmed and hawed, trying to decide what to do.  I kept thinking about a girl I’d taken care of in the village several years ago.  She had had belly pain that I just couldn’t figure out.  I treated her for everything I could think of.  I asked the surgeons to look at her, but they didn’t think it was a surgical case so I told her parents to just hold on for a couple of days. The American doctor was coming and he could help me figure out what was going on. She died the night before the doctor got there.  That was rough. I couldn’t go through that again.

I decided that instead of taking her to the hospital in Freetown, I’d take her to a hospital closer to our house.  They have two doctors there, one being a recently arrived American surgeon.  He did an exam and decided that he didn’t think it was appendicitis.  She wasn’t in enough pain, and it had been going on for so long that if it WAS, she would be much sicker by this time.  He gave her several different antibiotics as well as some worm medicine. 

I took her back to our house where she was able to eat a little and then played with Marie for awhile before I took her back home.  The next day, she was doing well but then that night I got another call that she was crying in pain.  They gave her some Tylenol and the next morning when I went to check on her she was still crying in pain and wouldn’t eat anything.  Grrrrr. What is going on?  That night when I went to check on her again, she was still crying.  I decided to take her back to the hospital the next morning.  This was so weird! She’d been on the antibiotics for 3 days and I thought she should have started feeling better by now. 

The next morning when I went to get her…..she looked better again.  No longer in obvious pain.  Now I didn’t know what to do. Do I take her in when she looks better than she had looked when I originally took her in??  What I needed was a dang CT machine to give me a definitive diagnosis!  Nary a one to be found in the country.  With my previous patient in mind, I decided to go ahead and take her back in, just because she’d been complaining of so much pain the day before.

They wanted to do some more tests, one of which was a stool test.  They gave me a container that was about the diameter of my pinky finger (MY PINKY FINGER!!!!) and told me to put some of her stool in there.  I just looked at them. Excuse me?  Can you please explain to me how I’m supposed to get THAT from THERE to THERE!?!?!? Well, I can now explain it if you ever need to know!   Let’s just say that it was done using a pit latrine, an empty water bag and a stick.  No gloves of course. 

We waited for the doctor for a couple of hours…..and I started to get a little suspicious.  There was ZERO sign of pain.  She was happy as a clam, snuggling up to me, laying her head in my lap, watching the pictures and videos on my phone.  I started to feel like I MIGHT be getting played.  I knew that it would most likely be several more hours before we were able to see a doctor so……I decided to peace out.  I could always bring her back if I needed to (and find out the results from the hard earned stool test)  but honestly I felt like kind of an idiot bringing her back because she looked so much better than the first time I brought her in. 

As we left, Aminata asked if I was taking her back to my house but I told her no, I was taking her home.  A few minutes later she told me she wanted to go play with Marie.  Hmmmmm…….I told her that she was sick, so she needed to go home and rest.  I stayed at her home for awhile to make sure she was ok and there were a couple other things (such as requests for cookies after just complaining of nausea and deciding that she WAS in pain…..but only when I was paying attention.)  that made me think this sickness might have been extended just a little bit.  I think I’ve been well played by a 9 year old. 

I was annoyed at first, of course.  I was annoyed with the kiddo, but I was also annoyed by myself.  ER nurse rule #7:  Your patients lie to you.  (For example: Excuse me sir, I noticed that you cannot stand up straight, are covered in vomit and reek of alcohol.  How much have you had to drink tonight?  Patient:  ONE BEER I SWEAR!!!!!!!!!!)  But this was different.  This precious little one didn’t feel good and because of that got some extra attention, extra one on one time.  And she wanted more.  Can I really blame her for that?  She just wants what Every. Child. Wants.  To be loved and important to someone.  Not because she’s one of the crowd, but just because she’s HER. 

Thank you Lord, so much for the privilege it is to care for these little ones. 

Pledging Allegiance!

Today a friend re-posted a blog that I’d posted exactly one year ago.  I read the first line of the blog and it was something akin to “we’re getting ready to go back to Sierra Leone!!”  I could start this blog the exact same way.  Whoda thunk. 

But here we are! Getting ready to back…..again. J  The last thing we were waiting for before we left was to get Marie’s citizenship.  And we got it!!  The significance was pretty lost on her.  While she and I were waiting for her interview at the immigration office, Peter, my mom and Ben went for a walk outside.  Marie repeatedly said that she really wished she was outside on the walk with Nana instead of  here in this boring office.  Sorry, not happening chica.

I was pretty nervous for the interview, just because it was the culmination of months of gathering paperwork….and really, years in the making.  I was formulating what my “plan B” was going to be if, for some reason they said no.  My mind was whirling, I felt slightly nauseated and my hands had a little shake to them.  Marie just wanted to go on a walk.

In the end it was pretty painless.  The officer had already gone through the mountain of paperwork I’d sent in, so I just had to verify that it was all true. We’d had an awkward interaction with the judge during Marie’s adoption in which she’d started giggling every time the lawyer answered the judge with “yes, my lady.”  I’d tried to explain that it was because that’s what princesses and queens are referred to in her movies, but it didn’t seem to translate very well.   I was praying we’d be able to skip that kind of awkwardness this time. 

I stood and swore my oath, spent some time going over the facts of the case…..and then it was done.  I was ecstatic.  Marie was glad she could go find Nana. 

Marie finally got to go on her walk with Nana

We had to kill some time until we could pick up the certificate of citizenship so we went for a celebratory hot chocolate.  Marie started to get into the spirit of things when she told the barista that she was now a “u…nisyn” (US citizen).  The barista got all excited and made a big deal about it. 

Marie's celebratory "tea"

When it was time to go pick up the certificate, Marie wrote her name at the top of the certificate.  They went to adhere her picture to the certificate and I cringed.  I stopped the woman.

“Wait. This is the picture you’re going to put on the certificate? It’s going to be there forever?”

You see, the picture that she was attaching to the certificate was a passport picture that I’d sent in.  And it was not good. The day we’d had the picture taken was one of “those” days.  I had quite a few things that just happened to need to be done the same day and I was just barely treading water.  I’d taken Marie’s hair out but hadn’t had time to fix it again so it was…..a little wild.  And she must have been feeling my stress because my amazingly photogenic child could give me nothing but her “constipated smile.”  We teased her about that smile for weeks afterward….and now they wanted to make it part of her permanent file.  I’ve sent in probably 1,000 passport photos in my day and I’ve never seen one again.  Now they want to make this one a permanent one. 

The woman graciously told me I could use another one if I had one, which I just so happen to have….a cute one with her hair all braided and beaded and her thousand watt smile lighting up her face.  I ran out to my car to get it and the crisis was averted. 

And now we’re headed back! Marie’s citizenship was the last box that needed to be checked off before we can go back. Our tickets are confirmed….July 25^th we’re out of here!! 

So here's the plan.....

I started to write this blog with something akin to “I’m a planner and I always stick to the plan.”  But then I remembered Marie. Not part of the plan. And Peter. Also not part of the plan. And I’m supposed to be avoiding hypothermia in Russia, not sweating to death in Africa. So I had to revise my statement. I love having a plan. And that’s it. I just really like it. 

When Peter and I went back to Sierra Leone in September, we had a plan.  We had been praying about adopting a little girl who was orphaned during the Ebola outbreak for almost a year.  Our plan was to finalize Marie’s adoption, adopt this little girl and then in a year or so, have another biological child.  Easy Peasy.

We finalized Marie’s adoption (on the Sierra Leonean side) shortly after returning to Sierra Leone.  However, the DAY that we were planning to go get this little girl from the orphanage we found out that some visa rules had changed and we wouldn’t be able to take her to the US for 2 ½- 3 years.  Which meant we couldn’t take her with us if we were going to have a baby back in the States in a year or so.  That put a BIG crimp in our plans!  After weighing the options, praying about it and talking about it a LOT (sorry Peter, you knew I was a talker when you married me), we decided to make a new plan   Our new plan was to have a baby ASAP, come back to the States and, while we were here for the baby finalize Marie’s immigration so she would be a US citizen.  After having the baby and returning to Sierra Leone we would get this little girl from the orphanage and just know that we wouldn’t be leaving the country for the next 2-3 years.  It was a bit of a stretch because our budget didn’t have us coming home this soon but we found a way it could work. 

I soon found out that I was pregnant.  But around this time I also noticed a growth on Ben’s skin.  At first I didn’t think much of it….we get a lot of skin stuff here…..but then I noticed that it was growing. And it was growing pretty fast.  I had some doctors here take a look at it and even found a pediatrician in Sierra Leone who was trained in Germany….. but had no idea what it was.  Fortunately, a couple doctor friends had some suspicions and after sending pictures to the States and watching it continue to get bigger for about a month, I was told that I needed to come back and have it surgically removed and biopsied.  And it had to be done soon.

Now this was DEFINITELY not part of the plan!  We had already bumped up our trip home for this new little baby but to take ANOTEHR unscheduled trip!?!?  And it was the absolute worst timing.  Peter was supposed to go to Liberia for a month, my mom was supposed to come visit me for a couple weeks during this time.  Do I take Marie with me? Does Peter come?  How long will I be gone? No idea.  So….make a new plan.  The new plan was that Peter would stay so he could go to Liberia and I would take Marie with me.

We got home and were SO blessed to get right in to see a doctor and got a quick referral up to OHSU where he had the growth removed.  After a couple of weeks waiting for the pathology results, it was not cancerous!  Thank you, Lord!  He had a follow up visit and the doctor cleared him to go back to Salone!  I had scheduled a well-child check for him to get caught up on his immunizations and an OB appointment for me since I was here anyway, so as soon as those appointments were finished we could head back!  I contacted the travel agent and reserved tickets to travel back on May 14.  I would confirm them once Ben and I had both seen the doctor.  After a month of a lot of uncertainty, I loved having a plan again.

On Friday morning, I had my OB appointment.  After a couple weeks of suspecting I was miscarrying, my labs and ultrasound confirmed it.  Baby was gone.  I’m sad.  I loved this little one deeply, even if it was only for a little while.  While I’m grieving the loss of this little baby, I’m also grieving the loss of the one in Sierra Leone. The one that we want so badly to bring into our family but seems so much farther away now.  Another change in our plans.

 A couple hours after my OB appointment, I had well child exam for Ben. The doctor is concerned about his eyes and wants him to see an opthamologist at a time still to be determined.  This means there will be no confirmation of our tickets home right now. 

The month of dealing with Ben’s unknown skin growth was incredibly challenging. I didn’t know what it was, what we were going to do….or even WHEN we would know.  There was so much uncertainty that at times I would feel physically ill with the anxiety of it all.  But I can also say that it was one of the sweetest times of spiritual growth in my life.  Wrestling with questions of “Is God still good if…….” Was painful.  I spent hours in my pantry, (which I’ve designated as my little prayer closet), over and over again giving my son over to Jesus.  Meditating on the Truth of Scripture and pouring my heart out to Him.  Over and over again.  I was convicted that I COULD choose to be anxious about this.  It makes perfect logical sense.  But I didn’t have to.  And actually, Jesus didn’t WANT me to.  Phillippians 4 became my mantra.  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  And that’s what happened. I had peace. I would sit in that closet and just pray and pray about every single minute detail that was making me anxious.  As I did that, it was amazing how my problem, even the unknown health of my son, became smaller, as Jesus became bigger.  It didn’t make sense. Phillippians was right. The peace passed all understanding because NOTHING in my circumstances changed for weeks.  But Jesus calmed my anxious heart.   Sometimes I would have to go there several times a day because as I took my eyes off who Jesus is and started looking at the mess around me I’d feel the anxiety welling up, but when I was able to hand it back over to Jesus, I had peace. 

And then I came home.

At first I was just SO thankful, as I met with doctors who gave me a plan.  My son was sick and when there were no answers in Sierra Leone I was able to get on a plane and come to a country that has a plethora of doctors and even specialists who will be able to take care of my son.  I left the millions of Sierra Leoneans who don’t have that same opportunity behind.  How is that fair? 

I made plans with the doctors and within a few weeks I had the “not malignant” diagnosis that I was hoping for.  We were back on schedule!  As I was able to pass my problems off to doctors with answers and relaxed back into the comfort zone of familiar language, customs, and relationships, it was almost as if I said, “Ok Jesus. Thanks for all your help! I’ve got it from here.”  Back to my plans.  I became SO easily distracted by all the things around me and I lost the DESPERATION for Jesus that I’d had in Sierra Leone when I had nothing else.  I was back in control! 

But I found that as I stopped pressing into Jesus, I became…..frustrated.  Annoyed.  I missed my husband. Discussions about ministry were going on in Sierra Leone and they NEEDED me to be there!  I wanted to be there NOW.  (I’m embarrassed to write this because it’s not very “missionary-ee” but…..it’s true).  A couple of weeks ago, when I started having signs of a miscarriage, instead of handing it all back over to Jesus as I’d done in Sierra Leone and resting in HIS plan for our lives, I became overwhelmed with how this changed all my plans.  Baby, adoption, Marie’s immigration.  Everything.

On Friday when the miscarriage was confirmed and then a few hours later I got the news that depending on what happens with Ben’s eyes we could be here for several more months…….I gave up. 

As control was once again taken from me, my eyes were pulled from looking around me to looking to Him.  Lord!!!  Will I never learn?!??!  Can the lessons I so painstakingly learned just a few weeks ago really be swept away by a few weeks of comfort and security!??!! 

This morning I wept in church as we sang about God being a good, good Father.  About His ways being perfect…….perfect for me.  As the conviction of my sin rolled over me, it was quickly followed by thankfulness that “The Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.”  So, so patient with me. 

So as of this moment…….when am I going back to Sierra Leone? Don’t know.  Are we going to adopt? Haven’t a clue. Are we going to have another biological kiddo? No idea.  When am I going to see hubby again?  Not sure.  I have no plan.  But as someone who could probably be described as a control freak, I can look to my Father and be so thankful that He doesn’t want to leave me that way. That He’s bringing circumstances into my life to slowly chip away at the things that keep my relationship with him from going deeper.

Swimming and...."chimp...ing?"

Nicole and I have decided that we want to start taking some of the kiddos we’ve been working with out in smaller groups as a way to get to know them better.  We have a monthly beach get together with some of the ex-pats in our area so we decided to start our experiment by taking a couple of the smaller girls to the beach.  I knew if they were anything like Marie, who was TERRIFIED to go into the water her first time to the beach, they would probably be happy just playing in the sand. 

We didn't have swim suits for the girls so tied up one of Marie's for Abiatu (on the right) and loaned Messie (on the left) a pair of Ben's shorts and t-shirt.  She ditched the t-shirt pretty quickly :)

Sand Mermaids with Auntie Nicole 

They seemed to have a great time, although I noticed that at one point, little Messie was shivering. I figured it was just because she was cold so I took her up to where we were sitting. She was super snuggly and Nicole noticed she was really warm. After lunch she didn’t want to play, but wanted to take a nap.  A nap!  At the beach! (Which incidentally is MY dream at the beach, but hasn’t happened since they kiddos arrived because they would never dream of taking a nap….at the beach.  After the beach I took her home to check her for malaria and…sure enough.  Poor little kid was trying to party hard at the beach but just couldn’t keep up.

So snuggly!

We learned a couple things at this trip. Number one, too many white people.  They were so shy that they didn’t really come out of their shell and talk because there were too many strangers speaking a language they didn’t understand. Next time we’ll go with just our family.  It was fun to see them start chatting with each other sometimes, albeit done in whispers.  If only I knew what was going on inside their heads. J

We were watching the monkeys behind a giant net because the chimps kept throwing rocks at us.  The boys loved it! :)

We had a good time with the girls at the beach, but decided to take a few of the boys to a chimpanzee park that’s here in Sierra Leone. They’re boys, right? They should love animals.  They seemed to have a good time but honestly, I think their favorite part was when we brought them back to our house to eat lunch and they rode Marie’s bike and played with random toys.  Ben’s toys were a particular favorite.  

Not quite what I had in mind.....

Yesterday I had a clinic day with the kiddos we’ve been working with. I wish you could be inside my head and see all the plans and hopes I have for these kids.  BIG plans.  BIG dreams.  I want them to know how loved and precious they are to Jesus.  I want them to FEEL loved.  I want them to know that they have some people in the world who will go to bat for them, who will fight for them and who will encourage them. I want to teach them to read, to be educated and to make a difference in their country! I want them to KNOW JESUS!!! I want them to spend their lives being utterly amazed by His Grace and to pursue Him with everything they have.  And I want them to love people. They are the most vulnerable of the vulnerable.  They have no possessions and no “inner circle” of people who care about them the way a mother cares.  But Jesus uses the weak and the broken to minister to His people and I want them to GET THAT!!!

So many dreams. So many desires for these precious kiddos.  And it plays out so well in my head!  It’s embarrassing to admit, but with my rose colored glasses fully intact I was envisioning myself as a younger, more robust…..Mother Teresa.  “Take that Malaria!!!  You shall not have this precious child because I will vanquish you with my Artusunate Combined Therapy and Healing Touch!!” I will lovingly stroke every fevered brow while inspiring a deep devotion to Christ as they sense his Love through said Healing Touch.  And to be honest, the first few clinic days it felt like that!!  Malaria be gone!! Scabies, you’re outta here!!”

 But then we went yesterday.

And it was hot.

And the kids crowded around me so tightly I thought I was going to vomit.

And I made the rookie mistake of asking who wasn’t feeling good and got 90% of the hands raised.

And the malaria is still there even though in my mind it be miraculously cured by the new bed nets we gave them.   

And that stubborn rash is still there and I’m not sure what else to do for it.

And I had a conversation that went like this:

            Kid: Auntie, give me your sunglasses.

            Me: No, I’m using them right now.

            Kid:  Give me your sunglasses!!

            Me:  Um, no.

            Kid: You promised me you’d give me your sunglasses!

            Me: What?! I did not!

            Kid: Yes you did! Give them to me.

            Me:  No!         

            Kid: Ok, give me an egg.

            Me:……….

As I  poked what seemed like the 100^th kid to check them for malaria, the thought crossed my mind that “this isn’t quite the romantic scene I’d envisioned.”   It’s like the malaria and stubborn rashes don’t even know about my Healing Touch!!  This is getting kind of monotonous.  Malaria, malaria, rash, malaria, abscess, malaria, malaria.  

But as I put another bandaid on another foot I realized (again….for surely I’ve learned this lesson before and just forgotten) that this is real life. This is real ministry.  There will probably be moments of pure bliss and excitement, but those will be well hidden among a thousand moments of day to day faithfulness.  Monotony.  Faithful in the little things.  Faithfully  and tenderly treating tummy aches and headaches and every other ache that kids can come up with.

Lord, help me to be faithful in the little things.  Help me to faithfully love these little ones, not just when it is convenient or feels good, but daily.  Faithfully.  I want to be compassionate because You are so full of compassion.  And when my compassion fails, help me to love these kids because I love YOU and YOU love these kids.  And when I don’t FEEL loving toward You, help me to faithfully love these kids out of obedience to You. 

One day at a time.