Pledging Allegiance!

Today a friend re-posted a blog that I’d posted exactly one year ago.  I read the first line of the blog and it was something akin to “we’re getting ready to go back to Sierra Leone!!”  I could start this blog the exact same way.  Whoda thunk. 

But here we are! Getting ready to back…..again. J  The last thing we were waiting for before we left was to get Marie’s citizenship.  And we got it!!  The significance was pretty lost on her.  While she and I were waiting for her interview at the immigration office, Peter, my mom and Ben went for a walk outside.  Marie repeatedly said that she really wished she was outside on the walk with Nana instead of  here in this boring office.  Sorry, not happening chica.

I was pretty nervous for the interview, just because it was the culmination of months of gathering paperwork….and really, years in the making.  I was formulating what my “plan B” was going to be if, for some reason they said no.  My mind was whirling, I felt slightly nauseated and my hands had a little shake to them.  Marie just wanted to go on a walk.

In the end it was pretty painless.  The officer had already gone through the mountain of paperwork I’d sent in, so I just had to verify that it was all true. We’d had an awkward interaction with the judge during Marie’s adoption in which she’d started giggling every time the lawyer answered the judge with “yes, my lady.”  I’d tried to explain that it was because that’s what princesses and queens are referred to in her movies, but it didn’t seem to translate very well.   I was praying we’d be able to skip that kind of awkwardness this time. 

I stood and swore my oath, spent some time going over the facts of the case…..and then it was done.  I was ecstatic.  Marie was glad she could go find Nana. 

Marie finally got to go on her walk with Nana

We had to kill some time until we could pick up the certificate of citizenship so we went for a celebratory hot chocolate.  Marie started to get into the spirit of things when she told the barista that she was now a “u…nisyn” (US citizen).  The barista got all excited and made a big deal about it. 

Marie's celebratory "tea"

When it was time to go pick up the certificate, Marie wrote her name at the top of the certificate.  They went to adhere her picture to the certificate and I cringed.  I stopped the woman.

“Wait. This is the picture you’re going to put on the certificate? It’s going to be there forever?”

You see, the picture that she was attaching to the certificate was a passport picture that I’d sent in.  And it was not good. The day we’d had the picture taken was one of “those” days.  I had quite a few things that just happened to need to be done the same day and I was just barely treading water.  I’d taken Marie’s hair out but hadn’t had time to fix it again so it was…..a little wild.  And she must have been feeling my stress because my amazingly photogenic child could give me nothing but her “constipated smile.”  We teased her about that smile for weeks afterward….and now they wanted to make it part of her permanent file.  I’ve sent in probably 1,000 passport photos in my day and I’ve never seen one again.  Now they want to make this one a permanent one. 

The woman graciously told me I could use another one if I had one, which I just so happen to have….a cute one with her hair all braided and beaded and her thousand watt smile lighting up her face.  I ran out to my car to get it and the crisis was averted. 

And now we’re headed back! Marie’s citizenship was the last box that needed to be checked off before we can go back. Our tickets are confirmed….July 25^th we’re out of here!! 

So here's the plan.....

I started to write this blog with something akin to “I’m a planner and I always stick to the plan.”  But then I remembered Marie. Not part of the plan. And Peter. Also not part of the plan. And I’m supposed to be avoiding hypothermia in Russia, not sweating to death in Africa. So I had to revise my statement. I love having a plan. And that’s it. I just really like it. 

When Peter and I went back to Sierra Leone in September, we had a plan.  We had been praying about adopting a little girl who was orphaned during the Ebola outbreak for almost a year.  Our plan was to finalize Marie’s adoption, adopt this little girl and then in a year or so, have another biological child.  Easy Peasy.

We finalized Marie’s adoption (on the Sierra Leonean side) shortly after returning to Sierra Leone.  However, the DAY that we were planning to go get this little girl from the orphanage we found out that some visa rules had changed and we wouldn’t be able to take her to the US for 2 ½- 3 years.  Which meant we couldn’t take her with us if we were going to have a baby back in the States in a year or so.  That put a BIG crimp in our plans!  After weighing the options, praying about it and talking about it a LOT (sorry Peter, you knew I was a talker when you married me), we decided to make a new plan   Our new plan was to have a baby ASAP, come back to the States and, while we were here for the baby finalize Marie’s immigration so she would be a US citizen.  After having the baby and returning to Sierra Leone we would get this little girl from the orphanage and just know that we wouldn’t be leaving the country for the next 2-3 years.  It was a bit of a stretch because our budget didn’t have us coming home this soon but we found a way it could work. 

I soon found out that I was pregnant.  But around this time I also noticed a growth on Ben’s skin.  At first I didn’t think much of it….we get a lot of skin stuff here…..but then I noticed that it was growing. And it was growing pretty fast.  I had some doctors here take a look at it and even found a pediatrician in Sierra Leone who was trained in Germany….. but had no idea what it was.  Fortunately, a couple doctor friends had some suspicions and after sending pictures to the States and watching it continue to get bigger for about a month, I was told that I needed to come back and have it surgically removed and biopsied.  And it had to be done soon.

Now this was DEFINITELY not part of the plan!  We had already bumped up our trip home for this new little baby but to take ANOTEHR unscheduled trip!?!?  And it was the absolute worst timing.  Peter was supposed to go to Liberia for a month, my mom was supposed to come visit me for a couple weeks during this time.  Do I take Marie with me? Does Peter come?  How long will I be gone? No idea.  So….make a new plan.  The new plan was that Peter would stay so he could go to Liberia and I would take Marie with me.

We got home and were SO blessed to get right in to see a doctor and got a quick referral up to OHSU where he had the growth removed.  After a couple of weeks waiting for the pathology results, it was not cancerous!  Thank you, Lord!  He had a follow up visit and the doctor cleared him to go back to Salone!  I had scheduled a well-child check for him to get caught up on his immunizations and an OB appointment for me since I was here anyway, so as soon as those appointments were finished we could head back!  I contacted the travel agent and reserved tickets to travel back on May 14.  I would confirm them once Ben and I had both seen the doctor.  After a month of a lot of uncertainty, I loved having a plan again.

On Friday morning, I had my OB appointment.  After a couple weeks of suspecting I was miscarrying, my labs and ultrasound confirmed it.  Baby was gone.  I’m sad.  I loved this little one deeply, even if it was only for a little while.  While I’m grieving the loss of this little baby, I’m also grieving the loss of the one in Sierra Leone. The one that we want so badly to bring into our family but seems so much farther away now.  Another change in our plans.

 A couple hours after my OB appointment, I had well child exam for Ben. The doctor is concerned about his eyes and wants him to see an opthamologist at a time still to be determined.  This means there will be no confirmation of our tickets home right now. 

The month of dealing with Ben’s unknown skin growth was incredibly challenging. I didn’t know what it was, what we were going to do….or even WHEN we would know.  There was so much uncertainty that at times I would feel physically ill with the anxiety of it all.  But I can also say that it was one of the sweetest times of spiritual growth in my life.  Wrestling with questions of “Is God still good if…….” Was painful.  I spent hours in my pantry, (which I’ve designated as my little prayer closet), over and over again giving my son over to Jesus.  Meditating on the Truth of Scripture and pouring my heart out to Him.  Over and over again.  I was convicted that I COULD choose to be anxious about this.  It makes perfect logical sense.  But I didn’t have to.  And actually, Jesus didn’t WANT me to.  Phillippians 4 became my mantra.  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  And that’s what happened. I had peace. I would sit in that closet and just pray and pray about every single minute detail that was making me anxious.  As I did that, it was amazing how my problem, even the unknown health of my son, became smaller, as Jesus became bigger.  It didn’t make sense. Phillippians was right. The peace passed all understanding because NOTHING in my circumstances changed for weeks.  But Jesus calmed my anxious heart.   Sometimes I would have to go there several times a day because as I took my eyes off who Jesus is and started looking at the mess around me I’d feel the anxiety welling up, but when I was able to hand it back over to Jesus, I had peace. 

And then I came home.

At first I was just SO thankful, as I met with doctors who gave me a plan.  My son was sick and when there were no answers in Sierra Leone I was able to get on a plane and come to a country that has a plethora of doctors and even specialists who will be able to take care of my son.  I left the millions of Sierra Leoneans who don’t have that same opportunity behind.  How is that fair? 

I made plans with the doctors and within a few weeks I had the “not malignant” diagnosis that I was hoping for.  We were back on schedule!  As I was able to pass my problems off to doctors with answers and relaxed back into the comfort zone of familiar language, customs, and relationships, it was almost as if I said, “Ok Jesus. Thanks for all your help! I’ve got it from here.”  Back to my plans.  I became SO easily distracted by all the things around me and I lost the DESPERATION for Jesus that I’d had in Sierra Leone when I had nothing else.  I was back in control! 

But I found that as I stopped pressing into Jesus, I became…..frustrated.  Annoyed.  I missed my husband. Discussions about ministry were going on in Sierra Leone and they NEEDED me to be there!  I wanted to be there NOW.  (I’m embarrassed to write this because it’s not very “missionary-ee” but…..it’s true).  A couple of weeks ago, when I started having signs of a miscarriage, instead of handing it all back over to Jesus as I’d done in Sierra Leone and resting in HIS plan for our lives, I became overwhelmed with how this changed all my plans.  Baby, adoption, Marie’s immigration.  Everything.

On Friday when the miscarriage was confirmed and then a few hours later I got the news that depending on what happens with Ben’s eyes we could be here for several more months…….I gave up. 

As control was once again taken from me, my eyes were pulled from looking around me to looking to Him.  Lord!!!  Will I never learn?!??!  Can the lessons I so painstakingly learned just a few weeks ago really be swept away by a few weeks of comfort and security!??!! 

This morning I wept in church as we sang about God being a good, good Father.  About His ways being perfect…….perfect for me.  As the conviction of my sin rolled over me, it was quickly followed by thankfulness that “The Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.”  So, so patient with me. 

So as of this moment…….when am I going back to Sierra Leone? Don’t know.  Are we going to adopt? Haven’t a clue. Are we going to have another biological kiddo? No idea.  When am I going to see hubby again?  Not sure.  I have no plan.  But as someone who could probably be described as a control freak, I can look to my Father and be so thankful that He doesn’t want to leave me that way. That He’s bringing circumstances into my life to slowly chip away at the things that keep my relationship with him from going deeper.

Swimming and...."chimp...ing?"

Nicole and I have decided that we want to start taking some of the kiddos we’ve been working with out in smaller groups as a way to get to know them better.  We have a monthly beach get together with some of the ex-pats in our area so we decided to start our experiment by taking a couple of the smaller girls to the beach.  I knew if they were anything like Marie, who was TERRIFIED to go into the water her first time to the beach, they would probably be happy just playing in the sand. 

We didn't have swim suits for the girls so tied up one of Marie's for Abiatu (on the right) and loaned Messie (on the left) a pair of Ben's shorts and t-shirt.  She ditched the t-shirt pretty quickly :)

Sand Mermaids with Auntie Nicole 

They seemed to have a great time, although I noticed that at one point, little Messie was shivering. I figured it was just because she was cold so I took her up to where we were sitting. She was super snuggly and Nicole noticed she was really warm. After lunch she didn’t want to play, but wanted to take a nap.  A nap!  At the beach! (Which incidentally is MY dream at the beach, but hasn’t happened since they kiddos arrived because they would never dream of taking a nap….at the beach.  After the beach I took her home to check her for malaria and…sure enough.  Poor little kid was trying to party hard at the beach but just couldn’t keep up.

So snuggly!

We learned a couple things at this trip. Number one, too many white people.  They were so shy that they didn’t really come out of their shell and talk because there were too many strangers speaking a language they didn’t understand. Next time we’ll go with just our family.  It was fun to see them start chatting with each other sometimes, albeit done in whispers.  If only I knew what was going on inside their heads. J

We were watching the monkeys behind a giant net because the chimps kept throwing rocks at us.  The boys loved it! :)

We had a good time with the girls at the beach, but decided to take a few of the boys to a chimpanzee park that’s here in Sierra Leone. They’re boys, right? They should love animals.  They seemed to have a good time but honestly, I think their favorite part was when we brought them back to our house to eat lunch and they rode Marie’s bike and played with random toys.  Ben’s toys were a particular favorite.  

Not quite what I had in mind.....

Yesterday I had a clinic day with the kiddos we’ve been working with. I wish you could be inside my head and see all the plans and hopes I have for these kids.  BIG plans.  BIG dreams.  I want them to know how loved and precious they are to Jesus.  I want them to FEEL loved.  I want them to know that they have some people in the world who will go to bat for them, who will fight for them and who will encourage them. I want to teach them to read, to be educated and to make a difference in their country! I want them to KNOW JESUS!!! I want them to spend their lives being utterly amazed by His Grace and to pursue Him with everything they have.  And I want them to love people. They are the most vulnerable of the vulnerable.  They have no possessions and no “inner circle” of people who care about them the way a mother cares.  But Jesus uses the weak and the broken to minister to His people and I want them to GET THAT!!!

So many dreams. So many desires for these precious kiddos.  And it plays out so well in my head!  It’s embarrassing to admit, but with my rose colored glasses fully intact I was envisioning myself as a younger, more robust…..Mother Teresa.  “Take that Malaria!!!  You shall not have this precious child because I will vanquish you with my Artusunate Combined Therapy and Healing Touch!!” I will lovingly stroke every fevered brow while inspiring a deep devotion to Christ as they sense his Love through said Healing Touch.  And to be honest, the first few clinic days it felt like that!!  Malaria be gone!! Scabies, you’re outta here!!”

 But then we went yesterday.

And it was hot.

And the kids crowded around me so tightly I thought I was going to vomit.

And I made the rookie mistake of asking who wasn’t feeling good and got 90% of the hands raised.

And the malaria is still there even though in my mind it be miraculously cured by the new bed nets we gave them.   

And that stubborn rash is still there and I’m not sure what else to do for it.

And I had a conversation that went like this:

            Kid: Auntie, give me your sunglasses.

            Me: No, I’m using them right now.

            Kid:  Give me your sunglasses!!

            Me:  Um, no.

            Kid: You promised me you’d give me your sunglasses!

            Me: What?! I did not!

            Kid: Yes you did! Give them to me.

            Me:  No!         

            Kid: Ok, give me an egg.

            Me:……….

As I  poked what seemed like the 100^th kid to check them for malaria, the thought crossed my mind that “this isn’t quite the romantic scene I’d envisioned.”   It’s like the malaria and stubborn rashes don’t even know about my Healing Touch!!  This is getting kind of monotonous.  Malaria, malaria, rash, malaria, abscess, malaria, malaria.  

But as I put another bandaid on another foot I realized (again….for surely I’ve learned this lesson before and just forgotten) that this is real life. This is real ministry.  There will probably be moments of pure bliss and excitement, but those will be well hidden among a thousand moments of day to day faithfulness.  Monotony.  Faithful in the little things.  Faithfully  and tenderly treating tummy aches and headaches and every other ache that kids can come up with.

Lord, help me to be faithful in the little things.  Help me to faithfully love these little ones, not just when it is convenient or feels good, but daily.  Faithfully.  I want to be compassionate because You are so full of compassion.  And when my compassion fails, help me to love these kids because I love YOU and YOU love these kids.  And when I don’t FEEL loving toward You, help me to faithfully love these kids out of obedience to You. 

One day at a time.

It Was An Accident!!

My three biggest fears here are snakes, car accidents and blunt force trauma to the head with no available neurosurgeons.  That’s it.  I’m being forced to face these fears as last week my husband gallantly saved us from a snake that was crawling in our gutter and a couple days ago Nicole and I were in my/our first car accident in Sierra Leone.    (I’m really hoping I don’t have to face the “closed head injury” fear but…..I am raising a boy.  Oh dear.) 

For those of you who have been here, you know that the driving is just…..crazy.  There are very few rules and what ones there are aren’t really followed.  Except for the “no driving in flip flops rule.”  They’re sticklers about that one. 

Nicole has been driving around our “neighborhood” but I had to go to town for a meeting so she came along and we decided she was ready to tackle driving to Freetown.  As we were driving and she was enjoying the customary honking at people (come on Nicole…you told me you love it) I told her that every time I make it back home from Freetown without an accident I thank Jesus! Literally.

Five minutes later, it happened.  We were driving down the main highway towards town when the car in front of us stopped suddenly.  Nicole did awesome and was able to stop, but the motorcycle riding our bumper wasn’t.  His head broke our back window.  I felt a wave of panic as the reality of what happened hit me.  I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that the driver was wearing a helmet and that all three people who were on the bike climbed off.  Ok.  Everyone was alive.  Thank you Lord.

One of the reasons that accidents are in my top three fears here are because of the things I’ve seen happen AFTER the accident. Things can just escalate very quickly here.  I heard about two ex-pats who were travelling up country.  Their driver hit a person with the car and then fled the scene.  The two guys he had been driving were trying to figure out what to do when a mob gathered and carried the guys into the bush and beat them up pretty badly.  Another friend of mine, a Sierra Leonean, got in an accident involving a pedestrian and a mob immediately gathered.  The policeman that came told my friend that he needed to go with him directly to the police station because he wasn’t safe there. 

So that, combined with the lack of adequate health care, makes me really, really nervous about accidents.  As I watched the people climb off the motorcycle, I sighed in relief that they were ok.  Now what?  You would think I’d have a plan for when something like this would inevitably happen but….I was at a loss.  I knew that if I showed any sign of weakness the whole thing would turn out to be my fault so I put on my “angry face” (kind of like a Mrs. Potato Head) and got out of the car.  I slowly walked to the rear of my car and gave a big “sigh” when I saw that my window was shattered.  I gave the driver a quick glance.  He was definitely shaken.  He had a tiny cut on his hand and said his head hurt (no kidding) but looked ok.  The passengers had already joined the small crowd that was forming, so they seemed to be ok too. 

I had so many emotions boiling up at the same time.  I was shaken by what had just happened.  I was thankful that no one had been hurt.  I was afraid of the whole thing escalating.   And I was angry at the motorcycle driver. I am so so so tired of the recklessness.  He not only put his own life at risk but the two people who he was carrying and every other person on the road.  I didn’t know what else to do so I did what I’ve come to do any time I don’t know what to do.  Call the hubby.  My knight in shining armor.   Or more like shorts and a t-shirt. 

 

So this isn't a picture of him actually coming, but this is what he looked like in my head. So tough! :)  Especially with Marie's picture riding shotgun........

Peter arrived and we exchanged cars so Nicole and I could make our meeting.   I was so relieved to get out of there.  We left for the meeting and every time I had to brake I watched my rearview mirror in fear!

When I got home later I asked Peter what had happened.  It turn out the guy had no license, his motorbike wasn’t registered and the next day his friend told Peter that he was smoking pot right before he left the house and was listening to music in his earbuds while driving.  Grrrr…..  We were promised a new back window by that evening.  That was a week ago and no window yet.   I’m not holding my breath….. J