So here's the plan.....

I started to write this blog with something akin to “I’m a planner and I always stick to the plan.”  But then I remembered Marie. Not part of the plan. And Peter. Also not part of the plan. And I’m supposed to be avoiding hypothermia in Russia, not sweating to death in Africa. So I had to revise my statement. I love having a plan. And that’s it. I just really like it. 

When Peter and I went back to Sierra Leone in September, we had a plan.  We had been praying about adopting a little girl who was orphaned during the Ebola outbreak for almost a year.  Our plan was to finalize Marie’s adoption, adopt this little girl and then in a year or so, have another biological child.  Easy Peasy.

We finalized Marie’s adoption (on the Sierra Leonean side) shortly after returning to Sierra Leone.  However, the DAY that we were planning to go get this little girl from the orphanage we found out that some visa rules had changed and we wouldn’t be able to take her to the US for 2 ½- 3 years.  Which meant we couldn’t take her with us if we were going to have a baby back in the States in a year or so.  That put a BIG crimp in our plans!  After weighing the options, praying about it and talking about it a LOT (sorry Peter, you knew I was a talker when you married me), we decided to make a new plan   Our new plan was to have a baby ASAP, come back to the States and, while we were here for the baby finalize Marie’s immigration so she would be a US citizen.  After having the baby and returning to Sierra Leone we would get this little girl from the orphanage and just know that we wouldn’t be leaving the country for the next 2-3 years.  It was a bit of a stretch because our budget didn’t have us coming home this soon but we found a way it could work. 

I soon found out that I was pregnant.  But around this time I also noticed a growth on Ben’s skin.  At first I didn’t think much of it….we get a lot of skin stuff here…..but then I noticed that it was growing. And it was growing pretty fast.  I had some doctors here take a look at it and even found a pediatrician in Sierra Leone who was trained in Germany….. but had no idea what it was.  Fortunately, a couple doctor friends had some suspicions and after sending pictures to the States and watching it continue to get bigger for about a month, I was told that I needed to come back and have it surgically removed and biopsied.  And it had to be done soon.

Now this was DEFINITELY not part of the plan!  We had already bumped up our trip home for this new little baby but to take ANOTEHR unscheduled trip!?!?  And it was the absolute worst timing.  Peter was supposed to go to Liberia for a month, my mom was supposed to come visit me for a couple weeks during this time.  Do I take Marie with me? Does Peter come?  How long will I be gone? No idea.  So….make a new plan.  The new plan was that Peter would stay so he could go to Liberia and I would take Marie with me.

We got home and were SO blessed to get right in to see a doctor and got a quick referral up to OHSU where he had the growth removed.  After a couple of weeks waiting for the pathology results, it was not cancerous!  Thank you, Lord!  He had a follow up visit and the doctor cleared him to go back to Salone!  I had scheduled a well-child check for him to get caught up on his immunizations and an OB appointment for me since I was here anyway, so as soon as those appointments were finished we could head back!  I contacted the travel agent and reserved tickets to travel back on May 14.  I would confirm them once Ben and I had both seen the doctor.  After a month of a lot of uncertainty, I loved having a plan again.

On Friday morning, I had my OB appointment.  After a couple weeks of suspecting I was miscarrying, my labs and ultrasound confirmed it.  Baby was gone.  I’m sad.  I loved this little one deeply, even if it was only for a little while.  While I’m grieving the loss of this little baby, I’m also grieving the loss of the one in Sierra Leone. The one that we want so badly to bring into our family but seems so much farther away now.  Another change in our plans.

 A couple hours after my OB appointment, I had well child exam for Ben. The doctor is concerned about his eyes and wants him to see an opthamologist at a time still to be determined.  This means there will be no confirmation of our tickets home right now. 

The month of dealing with Ben’s unknown skin growth was incredibly challenging. I didn’t know what it was, what we were going to do….or even WHEN we would know.  There was so much uncertainty that at times I would feel physically ill with the anxiety of it all.  But I can also say that it was one of the sweetest times of spiritual growth in my life.  Wrestling with questions of “Is God still good if…….” Was painful.  I spent hours in my pantry, (which I’ve designated as my little prayer closet), over and over again giving my son over to Jesus.  Meditating on the Truth of Scripture and pouring my heart out to Him.  Over and over again.  I was convicted that I COULD choose to be anxious about this.  It makes perfect logical sense.  But I didn’t have to.  And actually, Jesus didn’t WANT me to.  Phillippians 4 became my mantra.  “Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the PEACE of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  And that’s what happened. I had peace. I would sit in that closet and just pray and pray about every single minute detail that was making me anxious.  As I did that, it was amazing how my problem, even the unknown health of my son, became smaller, as Jesus became bigger.  It didn’t make sense. Phillippians was right. The peace passed all understanding because NOTHING in my circumstances changed for weeks.  But Jesus calmed my anxious heart.   Sometimes I would have to go there several times a day because as I took my eyes off who Jesus is and started looking at the mess around me I’d feel the anxiety welling up, but when I was able to hand it back over to Jesus, I had peace. 

And then I came home.

At first I was just SO thankful, as I met with doctors who gave me a plan.  My son was sick and when there were no answers in Sierra Leone I was able to get on a plane and come to a country that has a plethora of doctors and even specialists who will be able to take care of my son.  I left the millions of Sierra Leoneans who don’t have that same opportunity behind.  How is that fair? 

I made plans with the doctors and within a few weeks I had the “not malignant” diagnosis that I was hoping for.  We were back on schedule!  As I was able to pass my problems off to doctors with answers and relaxed back into the comfort zone of familiar language, customs, and relationships, it was almost as if I said, “Ok Jesus. Thanks for all your help! I’ve got it from here.”  Back to my plans.  I became SO easily distracted by all the things around me and I lost the DESPERATION for Jesus that I’d had in Sierra Leone when I had nothing else.  I was back in control! 

But I found that as I stopped pressing into Jesus, I became…..frustrated.  Annoyed.  I missed my husband. Discussions about ministry were going on in Sierra Leone and they NEEDED me to be there!  I wanted to be there NOW.  (I’m embarrassed to write this because it’s not very “missionary-ee” but…..it’s true).  A couple of weeks ago, when I started having signs of a miscarriage, instead of handing it all back over to Jesus as I’d done in Sierra Leone and resting in HIS plan for our lives, I became overwhelmed with how this changed all my plans.  Baby, adoption, Marie’s immigration.  Everything.

On Friday when the miscarriage was confirmed and then a few hours later I got the news that depending on what happens with Ben’s eyes we could be here for several more months…….I gave up. 

As control was once again taken from me, my eyes were pulled from looking around me to looking to Him.  Lord!!!  Will I never learn?!??!  Can the lessons I so painstakingly learned just a few weeks ago really be swept away by a few weeks of comfort and security!??!! 

This morning I wept in church as we sang about God being a good, good Father.  About His ways being perfect…….perfect for me.  As the conviction of my sin rolled over me, it was quickly followed by thankfulness that “The Lord is gracious and merciful, slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.”  So, so patient with me. 

So as of this moment…….when am I going back to Sierra Leone? Don’t know.  Are we going to adopt? Haven’t a clue. Are we going to have another biological kiddo? No idea.  When am I going to see hubby again?  Not sure.  I have no plan.  But as someone who could probably be described as a control freak, I can look to my Father and be so thankful that He doesn’t want to leave me that way. That He’s bringing circumstances into my life to slowly chip away at the things that keep my relationship with him from going deeper.

Swimming and...."chimp...ing?"

Nicole and I have decided that we want to start taking some of the kiddos we’ve been working with out in smaller groups as a way to get to know them better.  We have a monthly beach get together with some of the ex-pats in our area so we decided to start our experiment by taking a couple of the smaller girls to the beach.  I knew if they were anything like Marie, who was TERRIFIED to go into the water her first time to the beach, they would probably be happy just playing in the sand. 

We didn't have swim suits for the girls so tied up one of Marie's for Abiatu (on the right) and loaned Messie (on the left) a pair of Ben's shorts and t-shirt.  She ditched the t-shirt pretty quickly :)

Sand Mermaids with Auntie Nicole 

They seemed to have a great time, although I noticed that at one point, little Messie was shivering. I figured it was just because she was cold so I took her up to where we were sitting. She was super snuggly and Nicole noticed she was really warm. After lunch she didn’t want to play, but wanted to take a nap.  A nap!  At the beach! (Which incidentally is MY dream at the beach, but hasn’t happened since they kiddos arrived because they would never dream of taking a nap….at the beach.  After the beach I took her home to check her for malaria and…sure enough.  Poor little kid was trying to party hard at the beach but just couldn’t keep up.

So snuggly!

We learned a couple things at this trip. Number one, too many white people.  They were so shy that they didn’t really come out of their shell and talk because there were too many strangers speaking a language they didn’t understand. Next time we’ll go with just our family.  It was fun to see them start chatting with each other sometimes, albeit done in whispers.  If only I knew what was going on inside their heads. J

We were watching the monkeys behind a giant net because the chimps kept throwing rocks at us.  The boys loved it! :)

We had a good time with the girls at the beach, but decided to take a few of the boys to a chimpanzee park that’s here in Sierra Leone. They’re boys, right? They should love animals.  They seemed to have a good time but honestly, I think their favorite part was when we brought them back to our house to eat lunch and they rode Marie’s bike and played with random toys.  Ben’s toys were a particular favorite.  

Not quite what I had in mind.....

Yesterday I had a clinic day with the kiddos we’ve been working with. I wish you could be inside my head and see all the plans and hopes I have for these kids.  BIG plans.  BIG dreams.  I want them to know how loved and precious they are to Jesus.  I want them to FEEL loved.  I want them to know that they have some people in the world who will go to bat for them, who will fight for them and who will encourage them. I want to teach them to read, to be educated and to make a difference in their country! I want them to KNOW JESUS!!! I want them to spend their lives being utterly amazed by His Grace and to pursue Him with everything they have.  And I want them to love people. They are the most vulnerable of the vulnerable.  They have no possessions and no “inner circle” of people who care about them the way a mother cares.  But Jesus uses the weak and the broken to minister to His people and I want them to GET THAT!!!

So many dreams. So many desires for these precious kiddos.  And it plays out so well in my head!  It’s embarrassing to admit, but with my rose colored glasses fully intact I was envisioning myself as a younger, more robust…..Mother Teresa.  “Take that Malaria!!!  You shall not have this precious child because I will vanquish you with my Artusunate Combined Therapy and Healing Touch!!” I will lovingly stroke every fevered brow while inspiring a deep devotion to Christ as they sense his Love through said Healing Touch.  And to be honest, the first few clinic days it felt like that!!  Malaria be gone!! Scabies, you’re outta here!!”

 But then we went yesterday.

And it was hot.

And the kids crowded around me so tightly I thought I was going to vomit.

And I made the rookie mistake of asking who wasn’t feeling good and got 90% of the hands raised.

And the malaria is still there even though in my mind it be miraculously cured by the new bed nets we gave them.   

And that stubborn rash is still there and I’m not sure what else to do for it.

And I had a conversation that went like this:

            Kid: Auntie, give me your sunglasses.

            Me: No, I’m using them right now.

            Kid:  Give me your sunglasses!!

            Me:  Um, no.

            Kid: You promised me you’d give me your sunglasses!

            Me: What?! I did not!

            Kid: Yes you did! Give them to me.

            Me:  No!         

            Kid: Ok, give me an egg.

            Me:……….

As I  poked what seemed like the 100^th kid to check them for malaria, the thought crossed my mind that “this isn’t quite the romantic scene I’d envisioned.”   It’s like the malaria and stubborn rashes don’t even know about my Healing Touch!!  This is getting kind of monotonous.  Malaria, malaria, rash, malaria, abscess, malaria, malaria.  

But as I put another bandaid on another foot I realized (again….for surely I’ve learned this lesson before and just forgotten) that this is real life. This is real ministry.  There will probably be moments of pure bliss and excitement, but those will be well hidden among a thousand moments of day to day faithfulness.  Monotony.  Faithful in the little things.  Faithfully  and tenderly treating tummy aches and headaches and every other ache that kids can come up with.

Lord, help me to be faithful in the little things.  Help me to faithfully love these little ones, not just when it is convenient or feels good, but daily.  Faithfully.  I want to be compassionate because You are so full of compassion.  And when my compassion fails, help me to love these kids because I love YOU and YOU love these kids.  And when I don’t FEEL loving toward You, help me to faithfully love these kids out of obedience to You. 

One day at a time.

It Was An Accident!!

My three biggest fears here are snakes, car accidents and blunt force trauma to the head with no available neurosurgeons.  That’s it.  I’m being forced to face these fears as last week my husband gallantly saved us from a snake that was crawling in our gutter and a couple days ago Nicole and I were in my/our first car accident in Sierra Leone.    (I’m really hoping I don’t have to face the “closed head injury” fear but…..I am raising a boy.  Oh dear.) 

For those of you who have been here, you know that the driving is just…..crazy.  There are very few rules and what ones there are aren’t really followed.  Except for the “no driving in flip flops rule.”  They’re sticklers about that one. 

Nicole has been driving around our “neighborhood” but I had to go to town for a meeting so she came along and we decided she was ready to tackle driving to Freetown.  As we were driving and she was enjoying the customary honking at people (come on Nicole…you told me you love it) I told her that every time I make it back home from Freetown without an accident I thank Jesus! Literally.

Five minutes later, it happened.  We were driving down the main highway towards town when the car in front of us stopped suddenly.  Nicole did awesome and was able to stop, but the motorcycle riding our bumper wasn’t.  His head broke our back window.  I felt a wave of panic as the reality of what happened hit me.  I looked in the rearview mirror and saw that the driver was wearing a helmet and that all three people who were on the bike climbed off.  Ok.  Everyone was alive.  Thank you Lord.

One of the reasons that accidents are in my top three fears here are because of the things I’ve seen happen AFTER the accident. Things can just escalate very quickly here.  I heard about two ex-pats who were travelling up country.  Their driver hit a person with the car and then fled the scene.  The two guys he had been driving were trying to figure out what to do when a mob gathered and carried the guys into the bush and beat them up pretty badly.  Another friend of mine, a Sierra Leonean, got in an accident involving a pedestrian and a mob immediately gathered.  The policeman that came told my friend that he needed to go with him directly to the police station because he wasn’t safe there. 

So that, combined with the lack of adequate health care, makes me really, really nervous about accidents.  As I watched the people climb off the motorcycle, I sighed in relief that they were ok.  Now what?  You would think I’d have a plan for when something like this would inevitably happen but….I was at a loss.  I knew that if I showed any sign of weakness the whole thing would turn out to be my fault so I put on my “angry face” (kind of like a Mrs. Potato Head) and got out of the car.  I slowly walked to the rear of my car and gave a big “sigh” when I saw that my window was shattered.  I gave the driver a quick glance.  He was definitely shaken.  He had a tiny cut on his hand and said his head hurt (no kidding) but looked ok.  The passengers had already joined the small crowd that was forming, so they seemed to be ok too. 

I had so many emotions boiling up at the same time.  I was shaken by what had just happened.  I was thankful that no one had been hurt.  I was afraid of the whole thing escalating.   And I was angry at the motorcycle driver. I am so so so tired of the recklessness.  He not only put his own life at risk but the two people who he was carrying and every other person on the road.  I didn’t know what else to do so I did what I’ve come to do any time I don’t know what to do.  Call the hubby.  My knight in shining armor.   Or more like shorts and a t-shirt. 

 

So this isn't a picture of him actually coming, but this is what he looked like in my head. So tough! :)  Especially with Marie's picture riding shotgun........

Peter arrived and we exchanged cars so Nicole and I could make our meeting.   I was so relieved to get out of there.  We left for the meeting and every time I had to brake I watched my rearview mirror in fear!

When I got home later I asked Peter what had happened.  It turn out the guy had no license, his motorbike wasn’t registered and the next day his friend told Peter that he was smoking pot right before he left the house and was listening to music in his earbuds while driving.  Grrrr…..  We were promised a new back window by that evening.  That was a week ago and no window yet.   I’m not holding my breath….. J

It's All About the Shoes Daaaahling.......

When I came back to Sierra Leone in September, I wasn’t really sure what I was going to do. I a few  ideas in mind but wanted to give it a couple months in the country before I committed to anything.  I wanted to work on figuring out my new role as “wife and mom in Africa” before I took on anything extra. I wasn’t sure what Peter’s job would entail and how I would need to help him.  Well, I think I’ve found what I’m going to be working on. And I’m really excited about it! J

When we were in the States at the height of Ebola, a pastor friend of ours e-mailed to tell us about a group of kids that he needed help with. Their parents were victims of Ebola and they needed help. At that time there was SO much fear in the country that a lot of relatives didn’t want these kids because they were afraid.  The idea of starting our own orphanage was thrown around in America but we could never get the funding to start it.  Peter and I sent some money over as we were able and Marie and I printed out their pictures and hung them on the wall in our house so we could pray for them every night before bed.  We told our friend that we couldn’t get the funding together so f he could find anyone else who could take care of these kids, he should definitely hand things over to them!  We got word a month or two before we came back that he found someone to support the kids.  Awesome!

As we got back to Sierra Leone and got settled, we went to check on the kiddos that we had been praying for. I wanted to see how they were doing and I really wanted Marie to see that the kids we’d been praying for were REAL kids and were going through REAL heartache.  (I think this is one of the biggest blessings in living the life we’ve chosen).  After meeting with the kids and the leaders I found out that yes, they had been receiving help, but it was kind of a hodgepodge of people supporting the kids. One man agreed to pay the salaries, one group was paying for the feeding, one woman paid the rent, etc.  But there were holes.   School was about to start and the kids weren’t going to be able to go because they didn’t have any way to pay their fees, let alone money for their uniforms and school supplies.  They also didn’t have any money for medicine.  My ears really perked up when I heard that. J

Before we left, my dad received a grant from rotary for $3,000 to be spent on “orphan care.”  When we arrived we weren’t sure how we wanted to spend that money but a plan began to formulate.  My amazing husband met with three schools that were near where the kids live and they all agreed to waive their school fees “as their Christian duty” to help. 

We calculated what we would need for uniforms and school supplies. Then my hubby went to town and spent 12 hours……shopping.  He took the orphanage director with him and wouldn’t let Nicole or I go because as soon as they saw our skin color they would jack up the prices.  The uniforms were being made by the school so they didn’t’ have to buy them but they did need to find the supplies, undershirts, socks and shoes.  Shoes.  Shoes were the biggest problem.  You can’t really take 50 kids with you into a big city to buy shoes.  Imagine 100+ mini Goodwills with everyone selling their used clothing.  Except in this case you have to negotiate every price and have multiple people yelling at you to come into their store and shoving their goods in your face.  SO not my idea of fun. J 

Taking 100 random shoes and trying to find all their matches

But my hubby is a trooper so he left the house at 6am (because apparently you get better deals early in the morning) with traced, cardboard outlines of every foot and came back with 50 pairs of black school shoes.  There were quite a few “this won’t do for me” comments during the distribution (all from the girls mind you).  One poor girl with “feet like a man’s”  giant shoes still didn’t fit.  Might have to import those from the States. 

Anyway, after being about a week late getting to school, it was so fun to go there on Sunday night and see all the girls’ hair all fancy for school. J  LOVE getting to be involved in this kind of ministry!

We had 50 bags with each bag having the kiddo's shoes and school supplies


P.S.  I didn't include any pictures of the kiddos in this post since I mentioned that they were orphans.  Friends of mine who have been working with orphans tell me that the government doesn't want us posting actual pictures of kids if we mention in the post that they're orphans. Just so you know. :)